Choosing a Baby Daddy

Swimmer shopping: A bit like dating but with better screening options.

Skipping forward 8 years from the great egg freezing harvest of 2008 we head straight into November 2016. My beautiful little egg babies had been living their best lives in liquid opulence and now I needed to find them a spermatozoan lover.

I had already contacted my clinic in the UK to check best-in-class sperm requirements and now the aim was to research the strange world of donor selection. Google dominated my life, and it felt like a ranking probe for a great University i.e. I needed the best all-rounder with the most prestigious reputation and high-status alumni. Lofty mandate levied, I opened the search to the world with a focus on Australia, UK, Europe and the US quickly discounting the UK and Australia for their supply and demand imbalance i.e. both had far fewer donor options and prohibitively long wait lists at the time. Being Australian I would like to think this was because of our gold standard sperm but it was more likely due to both countries limiting financial compensation, legalising non-anonymous donations and requiring in-depth counselling sessions. The UK, Australia and the USA had informal networks with creative insemination options, but I wasn’t convinced Dwaine, Wayne and Chuck would be a strongly vetted choice. Europe was coming out a clear winner for professionalism, choice, timeliness and science.

In Europe there were two stand out clinics, one based in Spain and the other in Denmark. Both had stellar reputations, rigorous screening and some hefty scientific credentials comforting my brain if not my heartstrings. In the end it all came down to feeling more hygge with the great Danes and the potential for dinky Vikings tots. That legendary stoicism would be genetically essential for a small child who may never know his generous Papa Bjorn. If I was going to entrust half of my children’s genetic makeup to strangers, I wanted those strangers to have a nature forged from strength and adventure. Let’s hope that embellished dream doesn’t manifest into Baby Berserkers.

The Abnormal Art of Genetic Procurement

After choosing the clinic, what followed was incredibly surreal, knowing my decision would impact not just my life, but another human being’s ultimate existence. It would also affect my family, future partners and to a lesser extent close friends (who I consider family anyways). The database felt like a liberal dating app crossed with a rigorous sapiens catalogue. Each profile was designed to snapshot the cosmetic stats before drawing you into deeper psychologic aspects. Hair, Eye Colour, Height, Ethnicity and Education were the immediate datapoints, and if they met your criteria you could click on a profile to delve deeper.

The process forced me to look at what I truly valued, despite initial superficial filters. I searched for a deeper choice by first looking at the ex-roster of significant boyfriends (I’d had 3 by 2017). I studied traits they had in common, which had worked as partners, and what I had been attracted to, respected or admired. I then looked at my family genetics, the partners they had chosen, our shared traits and of course the commonalities amongst my divine 24 nieces and nephews. And then I jumped into some perfectly wanton shallowness i.e. what was I trying to compensate for in my own genetic shortcomings. Complex hey!! This introspection was challenging as I was determined to keep it meaningful and resist the lazy choices around surface-level traits.

The struggle to keep meaningful was real if my internal monologue was anything to judge by: “most of my ex’s were tall (6ft 2, 6ft 4 and 6ft 6), but wait, that’s so superficial and too many woman focus on that, yeah but I played a lot of basketball and had centre dreams with point guard limitations, but I’ve dated some wonderful short guys and I don’t want my babies to be too tall, that will make life harder for them, but what if my short-arsed genetics dominate and they only get an extra inch from Papa Bjorn, yeah but what about my 6ft 7 cousin, what’s that weird flower over there, I wanna pat the puppy pug, I feel like a donut now!!” My mind was not always my most focused friend.

So, ignoring my trite conversations, I found an inventory that was important but focused on attribute integrity. Based on my ex’s brains, physicality, skills and personalities plus my family traits, it was a carefully curated selection that also attempted to exclude my faults like anxiety and ADHD (which great ex-partners and family members naturally balanced anyways).

The Shopping List: A Study in Priorities

Intelligence came first. Not just academic achievement, I hoped for a genuine intellectual curiosity. I searched for a donor who enjoyed education and who was ambitious with life and ideas. My academic family had always valued wit and intellect, and I dreamed of raising a child who had some capacity for curiosity about the world. Today I will be happy if he can speak, read and go to school.

Coordination and athleticism ranked second. Donor profiles often included sports participation, and I found myself gravitating toward donors who possessed some kind of interest, passion and athleticism. Having dated some talented sportsmen and with siblings and parents that excelled in various sports at state and country levels, this seemed an appropriate parameter. Today I will be very happy if a potential child has two arms, two legs and can walk and talk at the same time.

Social skills occupied the third spot. I wanted someone who could navigate human interactions with a lot more ease than I had. I was painfully shy and anxious growing up (particularly with my representative sports) and I thought it might be a beneficial behavioural trait to have a donor who was socially calm and outgoing. My anxiety has put me in some terrible situations, so the idea of contributing to a child who might struggle with connections or performance felt unnecessarily cruel. Today, if they turn out to be terribly shy and anxious, I have some wicked tools and unending empathy to help them get through it.

Physical attributes came last. I'd be lying if I said they didn't matter at all. So once again I went with my ex’s prevalent physicality’s (lucky for me all 3 were good looking guys). Height was a filter (but never a deal breaker), eye colour (all my ex’s had a similar eye colour so that was an easy one) and finally hair colour. Many people have asked me what his pictures were like, but in 2017 this clinic only provided a baby picture and a ‘looks like this celebrity’ comparison. To be awkwardly blunt, my donors baby pictures were NOT his selling point. Today I will be happy if his eyes, ears, lips and nose are all in the right place and he has more height than me.

The Elimination Process: Narrowing Down the Field

I know, I know it all sounds so artificial, but this is the realism of finding a genetic baby daddy. There were quite a few times I could have done it the natural way, but I thought this incredibly unethical and unfair.

Another element I always checked on was staff feedback. Staff always added a paragraph or two of personal thoughts to a donor profile. Having said that, I do recall most of the time they started with ‘**** is a good-looking young man who is personable, sporty and intelligent’ which indicates some solid donor bias, yet does provide a deeper perspective. Other elements that added more dimension included: a breakdown of physical issues or genetic conditions, academics and a handwritten letter from the donor answering several open-ended questions. Plus, a breakdown of siblings, parents and both sets of donor grandparents regarding education, careers and the reason they passed.

After a month or so of research I felt in the end my elimination process was 007 ruthless. Too young and I worried about maturity and repercussions as they got older; too old and I wondered about genetic quality (sperm too declines significantly as a man ages and healthy sperm creates a supportive environment for embryo implantation, embryo growth and the placenta). The Goldilocks principle certainly applied, not regarding sensible carb consumption, but regarding a final goal of not too much or too little but an ideal range. This self-imposed pressure was freedom mixed with the heavy weight of a potential life-long donor mistake.

The Final Countdown

The end decision came down to a single profile that somehow managed to feel real despite the choice boiling down to a box ticking exercise. Like most major life decisions, the final yes was via my gut instinct. This donor felt like someone I might like to know or could (if I punched high enough, wore stilts and was 20 years younger) be someone I would date. His donor essay was easy going with a good sense of humour and the wolf (howl howl) was his favourite spirit animal. He was extremely well educated and just as importantly, adored his grandparents, parents and siblings. Yeah, he was TALL but for me the important trait was highlighted when he wrote ‘he didn’t have a problem making friends, enjoyed social gatherings yet appreciated being by himself when he travelled’. He valued both intellectual challenges, physical competition and representative sports. And I could read his writing!!

There is always the emotional reckoning.

The strangest part of the entire process was the emotional pragmatism required to make such a life-changing decision. This stranger, who I am eternally grateful too, would be intimately connected to my future child forever and this cognitive dissonance is something I still struggle with. On a more primitive level there was something that screamed reproduction control, and yet the guilt I felt over bringing a child into the world without a physical father made me hesitate.

Today I like to look at it with hopeful eyes; I hope the person I’ve selected will help create a kind, happy and thoughtful human, and I hope the human I might create is understanding of how much unconditional love I want to give them, and how hard I fought to bring them into the world, despite my non-traditional route.

Next week: The unfreezing and fertilising process, putting science, hope, and generous Danish genetics to the test.

Costs:

Base Investment: Approx. amounts: EUR 148 to EUR 2,535 (roughly GBP 153 to GBP 1200 or USD 205 to USD 1,607)

Donor Profile: A "Basic Profile" donor is generally less expensive than an "Extended Profile" donor. My donor had an extended profile which was part of my choice.

Sperm Quality (MOT): Higher motility (MOT) sperm samples generally cost more, and my donor had 3 * MOT 10’s (730 EUR each) and 1 * MOT 30’s (1,183 EUR) in 2017. As my eggs were already frozen, they could only use a technique called ICSI to fertilise them i.e. injecting the sperm directly into the eggs. Therefore, they did not need me to buy Usain Bolt level of speedy sperm as the sperm didn’t need the motility to find the egg.

ID Release vs. Non-ID Release: ID Release donors, where the donor agrees to be identified to the child if they choose, typically cost more than Non-ID Release donors. Legalities may have changed here but this was my option in 2017, and I choose ID Release. My donor was one of the few already open to communicating with any children he might create.

Additional Fees: Shipping costs, and admin fees (GBP 200 at the time I was looking at shipping), sperm storage fees if your eggs aren’t fertilised immediately after you buy the donor, and potentially other fees related to specific treatments (like IUI placing sperm directly into the uterus or IVF where fertilisation takes place in a laboratory), will be added to the base price of the sperm.

Refunds: there are donor refunds available in some clinics if the sperm is not used.

Home Insemination: Some clinics offer complete home insemination kits which can make the process more affordable, but you still pay for the base sperm costs.

Reservation Fees: If you choose to reserve sperm for future use, you'll also pay a reservation fee.

Hiccup Costs: As I was getting the donor sperm ready to be shipped to the UK, and was based in Australia for my father’s funeral (August 31^st 2017), the UK rules changed and I received this email from the Danish clinic: “The straws you bought had the UK standard using NAT testing at the time you bought it, but since NAT testing is no longer a possibility for the UK, the straws that you bought have temporarily lost the UK standard”. Which became confusing as my UK clinic didn’t agree with this. But the result were delays and an extra cost of EUR 437.50. Be aware these things may happen during the overall process.

The Platinum Mum Cents and Sensibility

1. Research Donor Centres Like Your Life Depends on It

Choose a reputable donor centre with rigorous screening processes. The Danish and Spanish centres were considered gold standard in 2016 and 2017 but there are far more wonderful world-wide options nowadays. Look for centres with comprehensive genetic testing, psychological screening, and transparent policies about donor anonymity and future contact rights.

2. Create Your Own Hierarchy of Values

Don't let anyone else tell you what should matter in donor selection. Intelligence, athleticism, social skills, physical attributes - rank these according to your own values, your own history and your family history. What matters most to you in a potential non-existent co-parent? What matters most to you to give a potential child the best start in life?

3. Resist the Temptation of Genetic Perfectionism

It's easy to get caught up in trying to create the "perfect" genetic combination. But look at the people you know with children and appreciate that no amount of donor optimization can guarantee specific outcomes. And why would you want this? In my humble opinion if you focus only on certain traits you miss a lot of potential depth, quirk and nuance i.e. the things that make us all individuals and far more interesting to the world.

4. Take Your Time with the Decision

This isn't a choice you should rush. Spend time reading profiles, considering options, and understanding what each donor brings to the genetic table. My decision evolved and changed over a near 12-month period. This decision will affect your child's entire life - it deserves thoughtful consideration.

5. Consider the Long-term Implications

Think about how your choice will affect not just your child's genetics, but also their future questions about their genetic heritage. Choose someone whose profile and background you'll be comfortable discussing with your child when they're old enough to ask questions.

6. Trust Your Instincts

After all the rational analysis, sometimes the right choice just feels right. If you find yourself returning to a particular donor profile, pay attention to that instinct. Your emotional response to potential genetic contributors is incredibly valid data in this decision-making process.